It seems like everyone around me is getting into a relationship or their current relationship is going to the next level. I keep watching and hoping that maybe I will be next. Maybe, just maybe, their history will repeat itself in my life. But it doesn’t. Rather my life consists of Netflix, books, coffee, green tea, work, and good friends.
Why am I feeling like God is doing so many mighty things in everyone’s life but mine? Why do I feel like God has forgotten me? When will it be my turn to have happily ever after? Why do I still feel an empty void when I have God? God should be enough for me so, why isn’t He?
Like a record player, I tell myself, don’t think about it. Your time will come. Wait. Don’t think about it. Your time will come. Wait.
God loves when you’re honest with Him. And I’ll be honest I’m a bit angry at Him. I feel like every time someone else’s life is prospering, mine is barren. It is scary to feel like no one will ever love you and that a fairy tale ending may be impossible for you. It sounds dramatic, but I know someone besides myself can relate.
It is not just a marriage I long for or a future family. Rather I am longing more for a deep connection with someone else. I want to be in love. I want to have chills when he walks through the door. I want to be so nervous to see him that I feel nauseous. I want to feel like the world stops when we touch. I want all thoughts, worries, and anxieties to vanish when we are together. I want to love someone so much that I rather do nothing with him than everything without him. I long to truly love someone and to receive that love.
We all long for something whether it’s an extravagant proposal, a healthy marriage, 2.5 kids, a cure for cancer, for an end to financial debt, a dream job, or for a loved one to walk back through the door. We each know the feeling of longing.
Let me be completely honest with you. I love Jesus and I believe I have a strong, genuine relationship with Him. Yet I struggle to surrender all my worldly longings to Him. I have prayed, “Heavenly Father, take these desires. Take each and every dream I have for myself and destroy or mold it into something of Your desires. Lord take my life. Take it all. Take all of me. Take my sin. Take my lust. Transform it all so that it brings You all the glory, teaches me discipline, and redeems human life.”
Gosh. That is hard to say aloud and even harder to say daily. That is what I struggle with the most, praying those words each day. I fail to remember my purpose. I fail to remember that my dreams are nothing and God is everything. I fail to remember that this life will not last. Life is short and God is big. I fail to remember that I already have a husband. God is my true Bridegroom.
We are all created uniquely and wonderfully by Our Father. Each of us desire different things, yet sometimes what we want is not what we need. Your happy ending, like mine, may not be the one you keep longing for. But as Shauna Niequist said in her book, Bittersweet, it may be “something you absolutely cannot see from where you are.”
Although I still long for things that I believe will fill my emptiness, I quickly realize that what I am truly longing for is right in front of me. It is not something I can see or touch. It is not tangible. But it is real. He is real and He has been waiting for me to call Him my true Bridegroom. Nothing comes close to giving me the same satisfaction that my Savior selflessly offers.
I know you are longing for meeting your soulmate, or starting a family or finding your dream job. You might even be longing for things like the next paycheck to place food on the table, or a bed to sleep in or someone to give you words of affirmation. Whatever you are longing for, there is something better and bigger. Jesus Christ cannot be seen with our eyes, but He can be felt with your soul. He is my Bridegroom and He is yours too.