As someone who always played by the rules of those older than me, I couldn’t wait to turn 20. Turning 21 was even more appealing because I was tired of being questioned by all the law-followers. I was 21. The law was on my side now.

When they said your twenties would be the best years of your life, I believed them. And they weren’t wrong. What they failed to warn me was how hard, frustrating, and confusing it would also be in your twenties. I am at the point where I have dreams and a solid group of friends to lean on. I know who I am and who I hope to be. However, it’s a season where I’m trying to maintain all of this.

I am constantly on the move. Work, eat healthy, hit the gym, bronze your skin, paint your face, keep smiling, don’t cry, stay motivated, go to church, but always be true to yourself. Oh and make sure you drink enough where you are more fun but not too much to where you are an embarrassment.

Weight still matters. Money still matters. Relationship status matters even more.

You must constantly maintain what society expects of you. The corporate world is intimidating. The outside world is scary. There are eyes on you from all directions just watching.

You wake up every morning feeling like you have something to prove. That feeling of trying to get to a place of good graces with your boss, coworkers, friends, family, or a boyfriend/girlfriend just so you can continue to try to maintain it.

I’ve been in relationships where I feel like I have to continue to prove that I’m worth it or that I have something valuable to offer. It feels like work. I have to work strategically with every step I take, every word I utter, and every action I commit. Friendships, and especially relationships, that you want to last forever with are not supposed to be like that. It shouldn’t be work. It should be fun and natural and loving. When you are twenty-something, that is difficult to find.

Things have changed so much in these last few months. I’ve met some amazing people who entered my life fast and left just as fast. I’ve grown in my friendships with Jesus at the center. I’ve been challenged by voices that God placed in my path. Many tears have fallen down my cheek from my broken-heartedness, sadness, and loss. Yet also out of happiness and of overwhelming thankfulness.

I used to wish that the world would stop spinning just for a moment. Sometimes I just need things to pause so that I can break down and no one will know. I just need a moment to shatter on the ground without having to miss a beat. The world just takes and takes and takes. I just need some time to let it all go so that I can collect it all back.

I hate disappointing people and I can’t bear to do that to society. But what I’ve learned in these last few months, is it’s okay to run into your room, slam the door and cry. It’s okay to scream because you don’t understand how your heart can break even more than it already has. I’ve also learned that a newly healed heart has the great potential of breaking even more easily. The slightest gust of wind, and it will burst. But it’s okay. It’s okay to not be okay in your twenties or at any age. But it feels like the pressure is on to keep it all together when you are twenty-something.

I thought I had to keep my life stable, balanced and well-organized. Which most of the time I pretend that it is. But I know I can go home and scream to God. No matter how hard, frustrating, and confusing my twenties are, God isn’t. Constantly, He surprises me and lets my heart break again just to be able to fill it up with His grace and love. I get up every morning with a little bit of dread but also with a whole lot of thankfulness.

I am so undeserving of this life. It is full of madness and joy all at the same time. And that is beautiful. It’s beautiful because how no matter the circumstance, no matter what emotions take over, God is there. You may think He’s not. But if you are still breathing, He is there waiting to watch you live. I’ve waited on Him for so many things and He continues to bless me with opportunities to love, learn, worship, and grow beyond my expected potential.

Twenties are the best years of your life, but they also take from you in ways which make even more room for Christ, and that is exciting. This is a time where we are everything and nothing all at once.